Posted by
Tommy on Friday, January 07, 2011 7:14:21 PM
So today was my time to appear in traffic court. I figured I'd be better off arriving early and as I drove up, the bee hive busy parking lot confirmed my assumption. Oh well, 'tis easier to grab the nearest street parking space. As I walked up to the entrance, the first “not a good” sign arose.
The line, just to get in, was a Carny's dream. “Damn are there this many people getting' caught breakin' the law?” Two distinctively young, feminine, bubbly voices approached from behind, chatting about “How I'm gonna give him s#%t. He gives me s#%t, so I figured I'd give it to him.” That caught my attention. I dared not turn around, they could be biker chicks and beat my a$$ if they think the glance had a meaning. “Ya know, I dropped the F bomb the other night.” was the next utterance and I realized “wow, she's got restraint.” I felt relief. As we approached the metal detectors, the obligatory signs requesting you to place ALL items onto the conveyor belt made me wonder how much I'd have to take off, just to get thru successfully. “Yes! I get to keep my belt and shoes on!” But as I approached I heard the testosteroned voice of a female sheriff “Take off your coat.” I did so with haste and saw her give me a quizzical look. “Oh God, I'm wearin' shorts. Does she know the judge thinks people who wear shorts to his court are dissen him?” Two seconds later I exited the legal systems version of the Golden Arches (308 million served), no buzzer. Whew!
The woman manning the info counter, told me to go up to the next level, past elevators and thru the doors to traffic court. And since the elevators were right next to me, I wouldn't have to challenge my reality of being in good shape. I pushed button #2, and doors closed, and away I went. For some reason the trip seemed just a little longer than it should. “Ding!” I just stuck my head out and “ S#%t! Wrong floor.” So I didn't enter on the first floor, I entered on floor “*G.” OK, I pushed button #1, and the door closed, and my sojourn continued. “Ding!” It slowed and I readied for a quick exit. But it didn't stop and “ding,” I'm back on “*G.” “S#$t!” This is too Twilight Zone for me, I'm walkin'. So “Damn my reality, full speed ahead!”
As I surfaced on the “1st” floor, I was awed by the “Beer line at Oktoberfest” amount of wrong doers waiting to pay the piper. Have you ever noticed that long lines arc to the left? I guess the result of wanting visual proof that the line really is that long. Yes, I counted the people in front of me: 25. “That's not that many.” But the elevators were 18 folk up and required a “left face” and God only knows where it goes after that. As if waiting for food at Stalag 17, I fell in line.
I was blessed with presence of a petite, middle aged asian woman who asked.“Is dit da line fa traffa cour?” “I think so” I replied. I had that same feeling one gets when you have no choice who'll be sitting next to you on a plane. “Eyes front. Disengage. Whatever you do don't make eye contact!” “Da a la a pee poe n da line.” “Oh no. She's chatty. I'll pretend she's talking to someone else and mind my own business that'll CYA.” Just in the nick of time, the people who've already executed the “left face,” started moving.
And we weren't just moving, we were walking. It was exciting, kinda like the Jews musta felt. Maybe there weren't that many people in front of me after all. I made a “left face” and continued walking. Down the hall, through the doors, and at the end of a “Yo ho, yo ho a pirates life for me” entrance line. At least they were kind enough to now take out any assumption of how much longer the process would take. Posted, in plain view, “Approximately 1½ hrs from this point.” Chatty Cathay, apparently seeing me as a traffic court expert, asked me a question that I couldn't understand and had absolutely no desire too. With a softened voice, and the slightest shrug of the shoulders “I don't know” I empathized. “...and the lights dimmed and curtain closed.” The maze like line had a truly torturous quality.
It allows you to fully experience the distasteful habits of some people for an extended period of time. Not being the “chatty” type, I was releived when my “not in a talkative” mood achieved success. I now put my full focus into building disdain through stereotyping of my fellow dominoes. So why aren't there any people at the counters? Doors open, lights on, ready for business? Not quite.
These civil servants, exhibiting the enthusiasm shown by an inmate working his time off, were almost there. Just a few more mosies and they're ready for us taxpayers. Finally, service. The lined moved at a blistering pace of 1.5 shuffles every three minutes. 5 folk back, a somewhat diminutive guy, dressed in nonmilitary colored fatigues down to the boots, tried to appeal to the hunter/gatherer side of the young woman in front of him. She was brilliant in feigning interest, and his prowess made him oblivious to it. Jimmy Dean's story ain't got nuttin on this guy. His “whine of the guilty” soliloquy had sole possession of center stage. An at the clip we were movin', I feared I'd be “enjoying” a seven act play. A dude, exhibiting small guy syndrome and positioned just across the tensabarrier from me, waved to a cohort meandering about outside the ordered chaos of the line. “Tell me he ain't gonna let this guy cut in?” If he did, I may morph into the Incredible New Yorker and say something that could get my a$$ kicked. Just a status update. Again, relief. “Next!” “Next!” “Next!” I detected an occasional alpha male stare but dealt with it using the psychological technique: the “Non-confrontational People Watching” glance. Completion of phase one was now just five, “next!,” no four, “next!,” just three next's away. Finally, my turn. Direct, precise, somewhat “angry with the system” answers, set the example for how not to waste time, as if the clerks cared. Chest out and with the gait of accomplishment, I strode past the late-comers and towards my destiny.
Entering the court room, required a subdued, reverence for “The Man” posture. A sneeze, cough or God forbid, a less than hushed voice, brought you unwanted attention and maybe forty lashes. “You vill have your pay-pers ready!” is explained in depth and reiterated by the man in black, but don't ya know, first guy up is the poster child for non-listeners. “Jerry WhatsHisName, approach the stand.” When the bailiff asked Jerry for his pay-pers, “huh” was his response. Now with a slightly less patient taint, the request for Jerry's pay-pers again got the “huh” treatment. Just then a breakthrough in the language barrier stymied the the-drill-sargent-as-pyscologist “YOU DO!” dressing down the bailiff was about to deliver. I found myself asking God for a favor: “Please, don't let a wise a$$ plead innocent.” I got my wish. “Thanks, God!”